Incy wincy spider

So there I was, just chilling, when this woman walked in on me, and started freaking out and then she tried to murder me!

It started out like every other evening. When it got dark, I decided to find myself a nice spot to spend the night and hopefully catch a few moths. It had been quiet the last few nights and I was starving. After hours of searching, I found a crack in the wall, which lead me to this awesome damp area. And we all know, where there’s moisture, there’s insects. I started to spin my web. I went from one wall to the next, covering the entire corner. It was a masterpiece by the time I had finished, even if I say so myself.

I was nestled in a nice little spot that I’d weaved for myself, kinda like a hammock, recovering from a hard night’s labour, when I felt the first vibration. I froze, to feel again, not really sure if there was really something there, or if it was just a breeze. Nope, there was something there alright. The vibrations started to come violently. I had to make my move before it managed to free itself. I marched over to source of the vibration and found a huge, and I mean, HUGE, moth, flapping about trying frantically to free itself. Fortunately, I’m quite talented in the web making department, and I’d managed to set up a sticky, strong silk trap that was rather capable of securing even the feistiest of meals.

The moth didn’t even see me. It was too busy trying to get lose. I snuck up behind it, raised my fangs high up into the air, like two little steak knives and came trashing down on it like a ton of bricks (okay, more like a gram, but I pack a mean punch okay!). I grabbed the moth with my front legs to secure it, and started rolling it with my hind legs while wrapping it up for later. I couldn’t believe my luck.  A meal this size would easily keep me going for another week!

I barely had a chance to put the moth aside, when this bright light just came out of nowhere. I was momentarily blinded. Never in my life had the sun come up so quickly. By the time my eyes had adjusted, I noticed a human. Jip. This was not good. I like humans about as much as the next species. Something like, 1 out of every 10 spiders that encounter them, actually lives to tell about it. My one boyfriend, Nick, told me all about his encounter with a human, right before I ate him. He said it was the scariest thing he’d ever lived through. He was kidnapped and held captive in a glass prison for what felt like forever. Just when he was beginning to run out of oxygen, the door of the glass prison opened. He started to walk out when the prison tipped upside down and shook violently, causing him to fall out and crash land on some sort of hard rock.

I tried to hide in the deepest corner of my web. The human came closer. A hand came pretty close but then moved away because it suddenly started raining. The human started to shed its skin, then stepped into the rain. The whole area suddenly became extremely wet and slippery and I was starting to fall out of my web. I tried to latch on but it was pointless.  Even my meal had washed away already. I couldn’t believe that I was going to die hungry. My grip was finally lost, and I fell to the floor. I was going to drown. There was water everywhere and the current was inescapable. Just before I was finally washed away for good, I grabbed onto something solid. It was the human’s foot. I ran up with the sole purpose of seeking higher ground. It was at about that this time, that the human finally noticed me.

She pulled her foot up with so much force that I thought I’d start flying. She let out this high pitch shrill that instantly drew blood from my ears. The combination of her flying foot and the sound of hell’s demons breaking lose, left me with no other choice but to bite down so that I could have a better grip. I was so frightened.  If I fell off, this human would step on me for sure. I sunk my mini steak knives into her foot and prayed that the nightmare would stop, but I’m afraid it didn’t.

I was bitch-slapped. When I looked again I was on dry ground, but the human was standing over me with an item, larger than life, smacking down at me. Fortunately this human had pretty poor motor skills, or I’d be as flat as a pancake. I started running for my life when I found a gap in the wall to hide in. The human was still screaming and smacking at the wall with the strange item. I suddenly felt faint. I couldn’t believe that I had managed to escape with my life. Soon the human would lose interest and go away.

I was right, it was much sooner than expected, that the human left. Finally I could breathe a sigh of relief. Just when I was about to leave the gap the human returned!! A different item was in her grasp this time. I retreated back to the gap. It was then that this huge deadly gust of wind and rain came flushing into the wall, knocking me out cold.

I honestly don’t know how I survived or what saved me. I woke up in a narrow tunnel busy drowning. The current was so strong I couldn’t escape. The tunnel finally opened up and the current flung me into the air with a spray of water. I landed in some sort of pond, and there I managed to grab onto something and pull myself to safety. It was a horrific experience. I hope to God that I never see another human again. I don’t even know why God created humans. They’re ugly and scary and serve no real purpose.

I lost two legs in the battle. My stumps are my constant reminder of how fragile life is. Now, I take every moment in. You never know when it’s all gonna end.