It's so ironic how the day that my life changed started out so normally. I think we have this perception that just before the world goes to shit, we'll have some sort of feeling - a bad omen - descend upon us, like a thick cloud of smoke. But no. It didn't happen.
It was a lazy Saturday morning. I woke up, had coffee, ate cereal, checked my Facebook updates - all the normal bull. It was the first decent summer day since winter, so I decided to rub myself in with tanning oil and go catch some vitamin D. Hell I was so white I could give Casper a good run for his money.
The latest boom-boom song was exploding through my earphones, blocking out the world and, oddly enough, sending me to la-la land. I woke up about a half an hour later, don't ask me why. At that moment, for the first time that day, something struck me as odd. I lifted my head and pulled an earplug out. Ja. Ja something was very odd. There was a strange gargling sound coming from the back gate. Now guys and girls, this is the part of the movie where the viewer shouts "RUN", only, this was real life, I wasn't a viewer, and I had no idea what was about to happen.
I got up with great hesitation. I pictured a rabid dog trapped between the bars of the gate - I would approach, and out of sheer madness, it would break free and rip my body limb from limb. When I peeped around the corner, I suddenly felt a hell of a lot better. It was just Jack, the neighbour. He was standing with his back toward me, groaning. I figured he'd accidentally hammered a nail into his thumb or something (Jack had a reputation).
"Jack, it's just you! My heart! What's wrong?" Ha! Jack stopped groaning. For a moment, he was dead silent. Eventually, he turned to face me, slowing figuring out where I was. It was when he had his eyes locked with mine that I noticed that his throat had been ripped out. Now, any normal person would, in this situation, run over and offer medical attention, however, I noticed a strange look in Jack's eye. It scared me, more than the idea that I was watching a man bleed to death. It was more like, watching a dead man, come to life.
It was a matter of a seconds; I turned on my heel and started to sprint into the opposite direction. The gargling sound was right behind me. Within no time, I was at the end of the yard, with no more room to go and I could hear Jack right behind me. I was too scared to look, I didn't have a moment to waste, and if I were going to die, I'd prefer not to see it coming. I jumped and grabbed the 6 foot wall with the tips of my fingers. I don't know where the hell my upper body strength came from but I managed to get myself up. I was just about to be over the wall when Jack grabbed my left foot! He was so quick I just couldn’t avoid it. He bit into my ankle, ripping the tendon right out. Yes, the pain was bad, but instinct took over, and I managed to lift my leg just enough to get a bit of leverage, and then kick down with full force, knocking Jack’s front teeth right out and simultaneously planting his arse into the plush lawn.
I pulled my leg over and landed on the other side of the wall. To my horror, I landed smack-bang in the middle of a scene from The Walking Dead, only, this was real and I as shitting myself. Seriously – I could smell it – nervous poop.
I began to run, but was very quickly reminded that my left foot was out of action. I hobbled so fast that I’m sure I made some sort of Guinness world record! There were deranged people – zombies – popping out of every bush and around every corner, each more mauled up than the next, looking for a quick snack. Fortunately, this snack was a bit quicker than they had anticipated. I made it a good 3 blocks before a car pulled up to me, “Get in!” He didn’t have to ask me twice.
The fucking bastard! I was in the car for all of 3 seconds before he hit the brakes and kicked me out again. Apparently he had an issue with my ankle. I looked down at it. It was nasty. I needed medical attention asap, and if the movies were anything to go by, I was in deep shit. I visualised an axe. It was my only option. I waddled over to the nearest house. With chaos upon us, I didn’t feel the need to get permission or make myself known. I just stormed into the garage and hunted for an axe. I found a panga.
I closed the garage door. I didn’t need some flesh eating bastard coming in here and ruin my survival plan. I turned the light on and sat down for a moment. I was really light headed. With all the action happening so fast, I’d forgotten that I was badly injured and losing a lot of blood. I tried to just relax and catch my breath. My muscles were zinging, my ears were ringing, I felt faint – these could all be symptoms of severe loss of blood. Or shock. Or the zombie transformation. I scrapped that last thought before I could allow myself to really think about it.
It was time, I was frightened by the idea of hacking my own foot off, but more frightened by the idea of losing myself to this animal madness that had taken over. I was on the verge of doing it, so close, when the garage door opened. It was another survivor, obviously looking for shelter. It was rather amazing. I took one look at this person and all I could think about, was flesh. I can’t tell you if it were a man or a woman that entered the garage. I can’t tell you what he or she was wearing, how old they were, or if they even had hair. All I could see was meat. Delicious, juicy meat.
I think that this person did try to talk to me, perhaps even, offer me assistance, since I was the one in need of medical attention, but when the survivor got closer, I stood up on both feet. I no longer felt the pain in my left ankle. In fact, I felt fantastic, and I knew that if I just had a few bites out of this person, just a few little nibbles, I’d recover in no time. I mean hell, just looking at this potential meal made me feel all energised.
I launched myself forward. I was unprepared. This person was faster than me. The panga was confiscated and used against me. I felt myself fall. I rolled a few times, floor, oh look, my headless body, ceiling, garage door. Floor, body, ceiling, garage door. Floor, body, ceiling, garage door.
The garage door opened, I watched my meal leave. I was going to starve to death. How shitty this day had been, all I wanted was a tan, dammit.
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